When you’re young, it’s natural to shape your identity around one specific area where you find success. Not to get too “Breakfast Club,” but as a young adult, it’s easy to categorize yourself into a certain role: the brainiac, the jock, the popular one, the artist, or even the rebel.
Growing up, I was not the athletic, cool, popular, or beautiful one. I was the “smart” one, and that identity followed me into my adult years. As a result, my career became central to my sense of self. I put so much pressure on myself to be successful in my career that it became blinding. When your identity is so closely tied to intellectual achievements, it’s easy to fall into a one-dimensional view of yourself. Nothing else matters as much.
Motherhood was an eye-opening chapter. When I first became a parent, I retreated into my professional comfort zone as quickly and as often as possible, seeking validation in something comfortable and familiar as I realized how hard parenting truly is. Back then, I was so focused on the knowledge I lacked and on getting everything “right” that I didn’t fully allow myself to enjoy the experience or acknowledge the things I was learning along the way.
Sometimes we allow ourselves to have one-dimensional lives that revolve around our careers, especially when we’re wired to seek external validation. I used to catch myself thinking “I’ll never know what it feels like to BE in my town” because, honestly, I never was. I was getting to the office as the sun came up and getting home after it set. And even then, work came home with me. I didn’t engage in the home community around me.
When I became a mother for the second time, I felt more knowledgeable and less exposed and was able to enjoy the experience more because of that, but I still would catch myself retreating into work and career. Motherhood kickstarted my focus on who I am in total, with the pandemic and the isolation of that time, really pushing me to BE that person. To give my attention and emotional capacity to more than just work. I started planning things, taking the kids to more playdates—being in my town and community.
Looking back, I’ve realized the importance of giving myself credit in the moment for the hard work I am putting in and trusting that I will eventually figure things out. Becoming a parent and broadening my circle of friends and neighbors locally helped me realize that my sense of self—and what truly “matters” about who I am—is so much more than my career identity.
To put it simply, sometimes the journey of learning and growing is just as meaningful—if not more so—than the end goal of becoming an expert or seeking external success. This mindset shift was invaluable for me.
So, what was it that finally clicked? It was my community of friends—my “village”—that helped me most. From my sister to my college friends to an amazing group of moms, most of whom I’ve known since my oldest was in preschool. These people help me find my balance outside of work, focusing on my broader, total self. I also have such a great community with my colleagues and clients who show so much understanding and empathy for my experience— and many who are living the parenthood experience themselves. Really, your village is the people who show up for you.
I always wanted a stronger community where I live because I’m far from family in New Jersey. I remember coming out of the pandemic and my group of mom friends wanted to get our kids together for private gymnastics class. We started sitting together in the parking lot while the kids were practicing— a little circle of lawn chairs, and the rest is history. The circle is much bigger now, with full-time working parents, stay-at-home parents, entrepreneurs, teachers; you name it, we’ve got them! What I love most is that our connection isn’t solely about work or professional accomplishments; it’s hardly even about our kids anymore. Now, we show up and serve as cheerleaders for each other in life.
My village, made up of all those friends and supporters from across my life (home, work, family, etc.) helped me realize my worth isn’t defined by success or failure in any one area of my life. Instead, success is about the whole person that I am, the whole experience of my life, not any one part of it. The simplest way to put this is: diversifying my experiences, especially through the perspectives, stories, and views of others, gave me a more complete view of myself. It’s helped me love myself more fully and approach life’s challenges and “failures” with greater grace and forgiveness.
Now, as a parent and a friend, I try to share these philosophies with those around me to help them live fuller, more balanced lives. I encourage my children to explore a variety of interests, finding validation and success through multiple hobbies so they can enjoy a well-rounded life. I make it a point to compliment my friends on multiple aspects of their lives—not just their career success or achievements—and I strive to be a source of encouragement and support, especially when they’re trying something new.
In my role at PAN, I encourage my team to maintain a strong work-life balance, taking space to pursue passions, hobbies, and relationships outside of work. I also bring the same energy to the work we do, encouraging my team to step out of their comfort zones, develop new skills, and embrace challenges. I remind them that growth is a process—there’s no need to be perfect and know everything right away, and it’s okay to stumble while learning something new. Thank you, motherhood, for that perspective.
There are countless shades of “success,” and it can and should be measured from a personal perspective first, not a professional one. It’s so freeing to understand that I am still valuable, still powerful and strong, still worthy of friendship and love, outside of my professional persona and accomplishments.
I’ll bet many people who excelled in school struggle with this very same challenge— understanding that the ebbs and flows of career, money, and economy don’t define them. Some days, you may need to lean more into certain areas of your life, and that’s okay. There’s no limit to how dynamic a life you can lead, as long as you’re intentional about where you focus your energy and priorities.
